Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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