Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
