Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
