someone threw a dead crab at me
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He felt like a one man threesome
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'd cum for enchiladas.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
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