I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
