I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
