Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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