I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
