he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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