You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
