i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
