only if we run a train.
done.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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