Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
