i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
