I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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