I wish my penis had an off switch
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
