I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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