Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
How does it feel to date your dad?
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