Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
