That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
