He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
