Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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