I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize