You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
