im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
