I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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