I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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