she woke up with a sticky ear
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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