Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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