i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize