My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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