toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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