Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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