Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
