Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
you had me at cake vodka
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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