We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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