No stitches, just platelets and will power
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
