Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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