Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
