Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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