If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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