found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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