Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
