Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize