I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
