the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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