Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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