He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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