dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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