i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
