Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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