Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
