So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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