you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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