i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
