If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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