No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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