we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
