I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
