I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
