1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
