the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The best revenge is premature balding
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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