help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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